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i dont understand why people need to use others. its just not necessary.

i feel the need to rage.

i am really fed up with you. tired of you stepping all over me. kissing up to people. acting all innocent and clueless. bitch, you wouldnt have today without me. im not asking for shit in return but you wouldnt be the person you are today without me bringing you out from the wrong. shit, you used to lie and say you did drugs and drank so you could fit in. who the fuck brought you back up. had you to stop lying. shit you wouldnt have the position you have today without me. i was wrong to ever forgive you for the shit you did to me. everyday i pretend like nothing happened. why the hell do i always seem like the bad person to everyone? we used to hang out all the time. people always thought i was the mean one and she was the nice one. the fuck, just because she talks more than me doesnt mean shes the nice one. shit, its wrong as hell to judge me like that. & you sure as fuck do not know who she is. shes not as innocent as she looks, who the damn fuck does not know how to make a sandwich. its just like bread and some shit in the middle. its fucking common sense. i used to feel sorry for you, but now i just feel sorry for my damn self. why are you always putting up an act, why cant you just be yourself instead of what your hoping people would like. if you act yourself there is bound to be someone out there that will like you. there is no need to act. you just dont know it, but some have already seen through your act. and it just pisses me off that some still havent. because im not the evil mind in the back. im the victim.

i like this life, right now. the way things are.

i have a job, just a got a raise

sister works for her college as part time

mommy found a job

dad has become the driver and housemaid

so many things have changed but i guess it was for the better. mom and dad have been unemployed for so long. it was only me working in the family. but then my sister found a job too. then mom after she finished taking classes.

as for grandparents, i really hope that one day i will be able to marry a guy that will love me like how my grandparents love each other. its the sweetest love, even after so many years

ive been given a decision to either drop my education after highschool and become a boss or continue on to college. each way has pros and cons, they lay a different road ahead of me. im just so confused.

dear mister,

sometimes i wish you hadnt changed so much. i miss who you used to be. you slowly drifted off to a different crowd. youre chasing after popularity. youve begun to smoke & drink to fit in. what happened to you? i try to stay by you & help you. wanting you to change back. but all you do is push the blame onto me. 

“i know its not your responsibility but if we hung out more i wouldnt be like this”

you say its not my responsibility but youre implying that it is my fault that you are the way you are now. mister, i tried to stop you. you didnt listen. all you did was tell me ” it was way worse in freshman year”. well, if you were able to stop once why are you starting again. why would you put yourself through this again. 

why is it all of a sudden so important to become popular. why are you trying so hard to fit in. this was never an issue to you.

you say we dont hang out enough, i cancel my plans to hang out with you. but you decided to each lunch without me. & complain that youre bored when were hanging out. mister, i dont have all the time in the world. i canceled my plans to be with you cause you wanted to hang out. i didnt have to cancel anything. if you think im boring then dont hang out with me. its simple as that. 

even if we did hang out more often i wouldnt be able to stop you from smoking or drinking. i wouldnt be able to watch you 24-7 and tell you not to do this and that. i am not your mother. and you dont even listen to me anymore. what is the point in me saying anything anymore.

you claim i dont care. & now maybe youre right. im beginning to give up.

i will stop caring. and i no longer want to know what youre doing with your life. 

i dont want to waste my time thinking about how to change you back. 

if youre not willing make an effort. then why am i trying to hard to make this happen.

the worst thing is the fact that you dont even know youve changed so much. 

mister, i dont know you anymore.

march 5th,

its already the 3rd month of a new year. time sure passes by fast.

so many things have already changed. life just seems like a dream sometimes.

there are things i want to change and there are things i want to keep the same.

I feel that bestfriends aren’t meant to be shared.

if there is a 3 way bestfriendship.

-there will always be a silent one trailing behind the ‘two new bestfriends’

-the new one will always know the secret first

• the new one will always be the one being hung out with

• the old bestfriend will eventually be a third wheel

• there will be secrets hidden between the 3 of them

• 2 of them will always be closer

once there was two bestfriends ‘M’ & ‘N’. then suddenly ‘A’ came along. and began talking to N. they began talking more and more & then started to hang out. M began to feel left out. N & A have their own inside jokes. a side walk fits 2 people comfortably neatly. a pair of best friends. M would trail behind, lonely. feeling invisible. N may not realize this is happening because it had a new bestfriend. it’s so caught up with someone new that it’s forgotten the old one, M. & that’s how things go.

sharing a best friend isn’t my thing. because eventually there will be an argument. if you took away my bestfriend, then that’s fine. if my bestfriend really wanted to stay, she would. I wouldn’t have to force her to stay. I wouldn’t follow them either because I do not want to be the third wheel. the lonely one walking behind the 2 new bestfriends. I would not go between the two new bestfriends and steal her back. because i feel that is crossing the line. if I don’t want someone crossing mine then I certainly will not cross theirs. I know how it feels to have a bestfriend taken away from me, it hurts. so I wouldn’t be the one to do that to someone else. if someone did me wrong like that, I wouldn’t hate them and I wouldn’t do something wrong to them. I would just leave it at that. they did that to me then fine, that’s too darn bad for me. I would still be there for my old bestfriend if they ever needed me. but they will no longer be my bestfriend. just a close friend. if they their new bestfriend found a new bestfriend and left them. I would still be there, but it wouldn’t be the same. bestfriends don’t happen twice with the same people.

tvb.

walala, i love watching hongkong dramas all night (:

tapex day two.

my favorite drink to make is the avocado snowbubble
& i absolutely love to press the laminating/seal/cover machine. keke its so fun
i still dont really like to take orders, gahh i took a wrong order to day and got yelled at by a customer :( pooie.
i cant imagine working alone in that shop one day. my partner that taught me everything within two days is awsomepawsome. i dont want her to leave, cause imma fail at doing everything by myself. cashregister&makingdrinks all in one. she saves me everytime i have trouble with the cashregister XD haha i dont understand why its so confusing. haha but i love making drinks the drinks. its amusing (:

& i especially love it when i see a customer leave with a smile on their face (: 

tapex day one.

i like working there (: i was a noob for the day, but i got the hang of it after a bit. i like making the drinks more than working the cash register.

i don’t like coins XD they make paying so much more confusing. cause theres no button on the machine to enter in coins. only bills.

i get to sample drinks without having to pay or get the whole drink. just a sample taste (: haha so i know what drinks are yummy & yucky (:

bwahah, i have my own time sheet ^_^